The Covenant Wants YOU… to Be Its ‘Weyotch’

Do you ever just shake your head for ninety minutes straight? I will tell you one thing right now, this review is a hot mess but you know what, SO IS THIS MOVIE.

For the record, The Covenant stars Sebastian Stan, Steven Strait, Taylor Kitsch, Chace Crawford, and Toby Hemingway. In other words, Bucky Barnes, the 10,000 B.C. guy, Gambit, Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl, and that last dude walk into a rich kids’ private school and do homoerotic things with magic to each other. It sounds like it could be borderline okay on paper but look, I’ve seen some shit, okay? You ain’t seen nothing ’til you seen The Covenant.

Let’s get one thing straight and that’s me trying to watch this movie:

Actual footage of me after I saw the 3% rating of this movie on Rotten Tomatoes.

What you are witnessing to your left is actual footage of me after I found out that The Covenant has a 3% rating on Three percent. Three percent. THREE PERCENT. I’m honestly not even putting this movie on full blast because when you take something like this too seriously, it takes all the fun out of it. The guys looked like they had a blast filming it and according to Sebastian Stan, they all continued to text each other in character after they had finished shooting. The cast RPed with each other as their Covenant characters. The cast RPed with each other as their Covenant characters. THE CAST RPed WITH EACH OTHER AS THEIR COVENANT CHARACTERS. What I’m trying to say is, even though this review might make it sound like this is the worst movie in the world, the truth is that I think it would make one hell of an entertaining drinking game movie (e.g. drink every time one of the characters does something homoerotic, YOU WON’T EVEN SURVIVE THE MOVIE) which counts as a lot to me. So here it is. Here’s my breakdown of the greatest insta-classic of all boy witch movies everywhere, The Covenant.

One final thing before we get this party started, this recap is VERY SPOILER HEAVY but I mean… It’s The Covenant. Just keep reading. To quote the great Chad Michael Murray, #bethejourney.

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Wiener Soldier

About Wiener Soldier

I like to write about things and stuff.


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